


The Dark Tower:  The Gwen-th Floor

by AlynnaStrong



Category: Dark Tower - Stephen King, Game of Thrones (TV), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Hunger Games (Movies), Wizards vs Aliens
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 17:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11559759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlynnaStrong/pseuds/AlynnaStrong
Summary: Deep appreciation for Gwendoline Christie shown (well, certainly intended to be shown) by mixing up her famous roles.  It’s crazy, but played straight.  You don’t need to know all the roles/properties to enjoy.  There will be notes as I try to explain this glorious mess (that still has some logic underlying it, I swear).





	The Dark Tower:  The Gwen-th Floor

  **Prologue**

> “See the Turtle of enormous girth!  
>  On his shell he holds the earth.  
>  His thought is slow but always kind  
>  He holds us all within his mind  
>  On his back all vows are made,  
>  He sees the truth but mayn’t aid.  
>  He loves the land and loves the sea,  
>  And even loves a child like me.”
> 
> Stephen King, _The Turtle_

  


The world has moved on, and the last beams of the Dark Tower bend and crack. The floors meld, Euclid having no say at the center of all things. Past, present, and future, sway through one another, becoming confused. Even so, the wheel must turn.

 

**Game of Thrones**  
Lexi (Wizards vs. Aliens) in Brienne of Tarth 

_Notes: As Wizards vs. Aliens is the least known of the properties, a quick rundown. The Nekross, a bizarre-looking race of magic eating aliens have secretly come to Earth to capture our wizards and extract their magic – generally killing the wizard. The main characters are 16 year old wizard Tom Clarke, and aliens Varg and Lexi, the children of the King of Nekron. Lexi finds Earth more interesting than her brother and has used technology to appear human on a few occasions (going undercover as ‘Lucy’). Doing so, she developed first a friendship then a burgeoning relationship with Tom Clarke. (Why yes, the difference in the actors’ ages is a bit creepy, thanks for asking. They do go to pains to say she’s 17 in Nekross years, which is interesting because Brienne's supposed to be about 17 as well. I mean, she looks young, but not that young.)_

  _In addition to the age, the character of Lexi from Wizards vs. Aliens should feel familiar to fans of Brienne for other reasons. She’s nobly born, on an important mission, and in love with very much the wrong guy. Lexi has the further complication that, in the back of her mind, she’d also kind of like to eat him._

 

“No, but you love him,” Cersei said.

Huh? What? What was going on here? Who was this insignificant human? The tiny woman was looking at her with a challenging glare of superiority as if daring her to contradict what she’d said. How dare she! Who did she think she was? Lexi’s confused memory informed her that this was the Queen regent, mother of the king, and they were talking about her brother, Ser Jaime. Funny, she’d always thought the human queen was an old woman.

“So what if I do? What are you going to do about it?” she asked, turning to locate the man in question. It was probably the handsome, blonde fellow staring at them with his mouth open.

She went over to him, glanced over her shoulder to make sure the queen was watching, and kissed him. That was what her research had said humans did when they liked each other. She hoped she was performing the ritual properly. He started to do it back, so that seemed a good sign.

They broke apart after a moment. “Brienne! That was a…bold move,” Jaime said. His sister was trying to ignite his companion with her glare. He supposed he’d have to smooth that out sooner rather than later. His heart was beating too fast right now though, and he couldn’t get the silly smile off his face.

“Was it? She was acting all superior to me, like she didn’t know she’d lost all her power. Her son getting married means she’s just the dowager queen now. No one has to listen to her anymore.”

Jaime was startled anew. Since when did Brienne have such a head for politics? (And such a cold nature? And why, gods, why did he find that attractive?)

“You are not the dour wench who brought me back from the Riverlands. Tell me, miss, what magics did you use to take this form, and where is the real Brienne of Tarth?” Jaime knew he was flat out flirting with her now. Cersei was going to kill him. He’d never felt so alive.

Lexi considered a moment. Often there was some disorientation when the form filter took effect. Something had gone wrong here, clearly. She wasn’t in her usual identity of Lucy. Still, things seemed to be going fine and he had definitely just said magic.

“Magic? What do you know of magic?”

Every time he zigged, she zagged today. What was going on? “Uh, not much. Stannis and his Red Woman are the only real magic I know. I was only meaning you seem very…free spirited today.”

“I see. Where is this Stannis?”

This Stannis? Like she didn’t know him? “After his defeat on the Blackwater, he fled to his seat at Dragonstone. It’s unclear what his next move will be from there.”

“And where is this Dragonstone?”

Jaime gave her a funny look. “It’s an island, east of here, about as far away as Tarth.”

Lexi nodded thoughtfully. “And how far away is Tarth?”

“My lady. Are you feeling all right?”

“Yes, I’m just eager to get on with my mission.”

“You mean your vow to kill Stannis?”

“Sure, that’s the one. Will you show me the way? Can we leave now?”

“We have to at least wait for the bedding,” he said amused at the change in her demeanor. Had the wench lost her entire mind? He might be okay with that, frankly, if she stayed like this.

“What? Here?” She looked around. “Nobody else is.” Impatiently she looked around again. “Oh, all right. Shall we get on with it?” She made to hike up her skirts. What was the next step? Did humans have a mating tentacle?

“Wench!” Jaime grasped her hands in his, causing her to let go of her skirts. “Have you been drinking?”

“With the wine sitting out in the open like that? Don’t be ridiculous. It’s probably more poison than wine by now. Or do you not poison kings here? It’s quite routine where I-“. He dashed off for some reason. Humans were so skittish. Now, where was she going to find an aeroplane to get to that island?

 

**Wizards vs. Aliens**  
Lyme (Hunger Games) in Lexi 

Commander Lyme opened her eyes in a familiar body but unfamiliar surroundings. She was in a residential area, heavily lined with trees and shrubbery like those in the most exclusive areas of the Capitol. However, the houses were modest in size and there didn’t seem to be any security forces anywhere, either private or government peace keepers. An unregulated creature chittered down at her from a tree. Squirrel. Carries disease. Not allowed within residential zones. What was it doing here? What was she doing here? Where is here?

Comfortingly, after a moment’s thought, she realized she had a mission. She was to assume the identity of the human Lucy, find the wizard Tom Clarke, and deliver him to her father. Okay, a couple of questions popped to mind. She was to *pretend* to be human? Capture a *wizard*? Maybe this was a VR training session. She’d heard District 13 had some advanced high-tech equipment. She supposed if she had been stuck living in an underground bunker, she would have prioritized development of virtual reality as well.

She was nearby Tom Clarke’s territory. As a youth, he would have schooling in the morning and then train in sport until the evening. At least, that’s how the youths in District 2 spent their days. Hopefully whichever district this was supposed to be worked the same way.

She could hear some boys cheering. Cutting across several backyards, Lyme emerged at the edge of a park. Boys all wearing the same uniform were kicking a ball back and forth and yelling taunts at one another. The game seemed rather loosely organized for her taste. What was the point of playing if no one was really trying to win? Must not be a career district.

One of the spectators waved at her, then shouted, “Tom! Tom, look. It’s Lucy.”

Uh oh. If this was supposed to be a stealth mission, it would have been nice if someone had told her. Now they’d have to reset and start again.

A perfectly ordinary boy came running over. He was pale, about 16 years old, with bushy brown hair and blue eyes. Tom Clarke, her brain helpfully confirmed for her. There was something else there too, a surprising fondness.

“Lucy, hey. Did you want to tell me something?”

“Yes, Tom, but perhaps someplace less public.”

He fell in beside her as she walked away.

What, he’s just going to go off with me? His friends waved him goodbye, like seeing him wandering away with a giant, blonde woman was nothing new to them.

“You called me Tom, instead of Tom Clarke. Your human research is going well I see.”

He knows. He knows and he’s not scared. Wizards must be powerful in this simulation. (And WTF, Coin? How exactly is this going to come in handy against the Capitol?)

Lyme made sure they were out of sight of any spectators, though she supposed it didn’t really matter. She grabbed Tom’s right hand and bent his thumb back until she heard first a pop, then a snap. Just to be safe, she did the left as well. Wizards have to snap their fingers to cast spells, she understood, or at least this one did.

He howled. “Lexi! I thought we were past this!”

She grabbed hold of his wrist and poked a button on her bracelet. “Two for transport,” she said, knowing that was right but wondering what it meant.

Instantly, she found the two of them standing on the deck of a spaceship with some pineapple skinned aliens staring at her in shock.

“Sister! Is that-“

“I present the wizard Tom Clarke, as ordered. All hail the might of Nekron!” The fuck was she saying? Some sci-fi geek sim writer was getting a stern talking to when this was over.

There were choruses of “All hail!” as the wizard was bundled off to the extractor.

She ran through the mission checklist through her mind once again. Find Tom Clarke, check. Allay his suspicions, check. Make sure he can’t use magic this time, check. Bring him to the spaceship, check. Present him for extraction, check. All was in order. Somehow it seemed too easy.

She knew the extraction process was likely to be fatal, but it wasn’t like she’d never killed 16 year olds before. There had probably been a few in the fourteen she’d killed in the Arena (a record, except for the seventeen that the District 1 female had gotten in the 50th Games, but there were double the tributes that year, so it didn’t count). Not that she was proud of that, exactly, but it did show her dedication.

Rebel or not, she knew how to follow orders. She killed the kids in the Arena, as ordered. She mentored other kids to follow her, as ordered. She’d shut her eyes to all the Capitol atrocities and lies, as ordered. She’d done all that they asked, up until the lie she couldn’t forgive, the one that put Brutus and Enobaria back into the Arena.

Even after joining the rebellion, she’d done as she was told. She’d killed peace keepers, most of whom were trained in District 2; quite a few were Academy graduates. She’d led raids that she knew not everyone would survive. She didn’t mind not knowing what the politicians were thinking, so long as her duties were clear. This simulation concerned her, though, because it was not entirely sane. Insane politicians came up with insane ideas, like Arenas. Also, for some reason, she couldn’t stop salivating.

 

**The Hunger Games**  
Phasma (Star Wars) in Lyme  


Phasma was naked in a planning session. Was this a nightmare? Well, she wasn’t naked, but she didn’t have her armor on. No one was looking at her strangely, though. They appeared to be strategizing about assaulting a key military compound, nicknamed the Nut. They wanted to gain control of its assets and disable the troops inside. They were finding the entrances too heavily defended and the natural terrain too protective, however. The odd thing was, she didn’t seem to have a nigh-infinite source of stormtroopers to throw at the problem.

In fact, she knew none of these people. She had none of her usual resources, except for her mind and her strength. They would have to be enough. As near as she could recall, she was supposed to be helping them. Organization was lacking here, to a fault. Even now, a common soldier dared address his betters without so much as introductory flatteries.

“Think of it was a wild dog den. You’re not going to fight your way in. So, you have two choices. Trap the dogs inside or flush them out. So, I’m thinking, we use the mountain,” Gale Hawthorne pointed out the window. “See? Running down the sides – avalanche paths.”

Phasma saw it immediately. He meant to bring down the mountain to block the entrances. It would shut down the heart of the Capitol’s military, rendering useless their hovercraft and missiles, and trapping or killing everyone inside.

“No, it would never work,” Phasma said confidently. “I will not sanction the use of our few armed shuttles for such a futile mission. Obviously, the Capitol troops are well prepared with enough anti-aircraft weaponry that they could disable the ships, even without knowing our ultimate goals.”

The officers continued to dispute the best way to crack the Nut, but no one tried mentioning avalanches again thanks to Phasma’s scorching condemnation of the idea. Soldier Hawthorne even remained sullenly silent for the rest of the meeting, having been shown to be a callow youth in front of his hardened comrades.

Phasma would have to get a message to some of her contacts within the military command to warn them of this dangerous idea. It was radical, but had real potential. Also, Soldier Hawthorne was going to need to meet with an accident. His mind was too unconventional for the rebels to have as an asset. Yes, it shouldn’t be hard to convince the loyalists that their most impressive Victor would never have really gone over to fight against the Capitol. She could set about undoing this rebellion from the inside.

Phasma knew that the mission was supposed to have involved helping the rebels destroy the military center in District 2, but that must have been an error. They were rebel scum! She’d never help them. Long live the glorious First Or-, er, Panem!

 

**Star Wars**  
Brienne (Game of Thrones) in Phasma 

Brienne was lost, deeply truly lost. The corridor went on forever with innumerable branches and stairwells. No building could be this large, not even the expansive bulk of Harrenhal. She kept walking, hoping that she’d find something familiar.

A man approached, then saluted and addressed her as “Captain.” He stood at attention until she had passed by. That was another thing. She was wearing full plate, but could barely feel it. It was lighter and shinier than the most brightly polished suit of steel. There was a helm as well, but it didn’t encumber her vision. She was a knight and everyone respected her.

Was it a dream?, she was wondering, as the giant animal smashed into her.

Two men stood her on her feet again. They were pointing something like crossbows at her. Well, this has taken a turn, she was thinking as one of the men got in her face.

“Remember me?” he asked.

“FN-2187,” her brain helpfully supplied. She made a point to know all her trooper’s serial numbers, whatever that meant.

“Not anymore,” he said. “My name’s Finn and I’m in charge. I’m in charge now, Phasma. I’m in charge.”

That was clearly untrue, as the handsome one commanded him to “Bring it down.”

They marched her into a control room. She shouldn’t understand any of the unfamiliar words, but she could somehow trace the cause and effect. Push this button and that happens. It didn’t make any sense, but had a certain dream logic. They wanted her to do something.

Finn said, “You want me to blast that bucket off your head? Lower the shields.”

If they wanted her to lower the shields, they intended to destroy this…place. Thousands would die. She urged them to reconsider. “You’re making a big mistake.”

“Do it,” Finn ordered again. The animal roared, almost like it was agreeing.

Brienne hesitated, until suddenly her mind disclosed more information to her about what this place could do. It could extinguish a sun? And fire that energy at a planet? No, more than one! They were entirely in the right. This place was evil; it had to be destroyed. She pushed in the codes that she knew would deactivate the shields.

Han watched Phasma carefully, surprised she didn’t sacrifice herself rather than betray the First Order. Finn must have exaggerated her loyalty. The kid was a little excitable.

Brienne turned to warned them,“You can’t be so stupid as to think this will be easy. My troops will storm this block and kill you all.” Her helm was somehow flattening out her voice, making her pleas sound like threats.

They discussed what to do with her, with the handsome one suggesting a trash compactor.

It had to be a dream, right? First, the dire wolf tackling her, that was meant to represent Lady Stark. Then, the man in white King’s Guard armor, Renly (though the armor should have been hers and blue, but dreams were strange). She’d let down the shields, that is, failed in her duty, dooming them both. The handsome, distracting rogue didn’t bear close thought, even as he brought a blush to her cheeks. He’d never betrayed her though, never hurt her.

Brienne closed her eyes as she fell, bracing for impact. In her mind’s eye, she saw a giant turtle. It turned to her and opened its beak. She felt rather than heard the words, “All things serve the beam.” Very well, talking turtles now. Fine. What House was turtles?

_Notes:  Inspired by YouTube: _The Truth About Captain Phasma_ by the SuperCarlinBrothers which makes the interesting though not entirely compelling argument that Phasma was trying to help the rebels all along._

 

**Afterword:**

Ka is a wheel; its one purpose is to turn. The spin of ka always brings us back to the same place, to face and reface our mistakes and defeats until we can learn from them. When we learn from the past, the wheel continues to move forward, towards growth and evolution. When we don’t, the wheel spins backward, and we are given another chance. If once more we squander the opportunity, the wheel continues its rotation towards devolution, or destruction.”  
― Robin Furth,  _Stephen King's The Dark Tower: The Complete Concordance_

**Author's Note:**

>  **Meta Notes** (with Dark Tower spoilers, kind of):
> 
> In this cycle, the characters scored one passed and three failed on their missions. (Brienne passed, as the story progressed the way it was supposed to). No, the Dark Tower's not at all fair. The characters have no way of knowing their true goal and it will sometimes conflict with their original plans. If they mess up, everything resets. 
> 
> One saving grace is that working with the rules of storytelling will tend to lead to the right place (i.e., Lyme as Lexi realizing it was too easy). Since stories are mostly in favor of the good guys, acting for the greatest good is the best play. This comes much more naturally for some than others.


End file.
